andrea78

OK so yesterday’s acheivement was joining this site and creating my first blog entry. I just woke up, it’s 5:38am and I’m feeling the after effects of yesterday’s food shenanigans. I’m sooo thirsty and swollen, but I did have very lucid dreams. Food wise yesterday was just plain stupid. I should give myself a break for even thinking of setting my goal, but I have higher expectations for myself - I should know better.

The day wasn’t so bad, had bran cereal as usual, then a frozen ‘light’ entree for lunch, but in the afternoon I was starving and all that there was in the office kitchen were granola bars (loaded with hidden sugars and fats). So I had one, and when I got home after work I was starving! I started making supper straight away: Soy Glazed Salmon and Sweet Potatoes. Not too harmful you’d think? Well as supper was cooking I spotted some leftover Steak & Fries from the weekend BBQ. Well my body went on autopilot and I reheated, and ate the whole steak and fries. When I was done I felt terrible and looked at the Salmon and was just sad.

The original plan was to eat well last night and then workout. Well the boyfriend was playing video games in the living room (which is where I work out) and he asked me if I really felt like working out cause he was on a roll. I looked him straight in the eye and said “No, I don’t feel like working out” and smiled. Well…does anyone really when it comes down to it? I was just being honest, hehe. So I figured to myself that because of the steak incident that day was just a do-over in it’s entirety. Probably should have worked out as it would have minimized the food dammage, but what’s done is done.

Instead I curled up in bed and watched tv for the rest of the night. I watched Runway Moms, a show about pregnant models. Way to make me happy in my own skin! (Not) Well that’s not true, something you don’t know about me yet is that I dearly want to be pregnant and have a child of my own. I went through times recently where it seemed all my friends and cousins around my age had glowing baby bumps. Since I’m kind of late relationship wise in finding the right guy, we’re just not there yet. I’m pretty confident that he’s ‘the one’ but both he and I agree we should wait a while still. Anywho, back to the subject, these models, these women just all seem so truly deeply happy and good. Maybe they are just working ‘it’ for the camera on the show, but they all seem so pure. Like the best version of the self. They speak positively all the time about people and situations, they eat clean: fish, veggies, natural, drink lots of water. They stretch and work out and take care of themselves. I’m going to scan an image that I feel embodies all those things. It’s a photo of Yoana House in her yellow workout gear and yoga shoes.

I want to be that person. I want to be a better version of me, a person who drinks tea in the morning instead of coffee with cream. The kind of person who does yoga before going off to work. Who has prepared all 6 of her small healthy low fat high protein meals the night before. Who drinks water constantly all day. Who doesn’t gorge herself on junk after a long work day, but instead gets rid of her frustrations through a great workout. Who is a positive person who only speaks of good subjects and lets the bad ones go and dissolve into the universe.

Damn it doesn’t seem that unattainable, I’ve accomplished much more complicated feats in the past. Why can’t I let myself be good to myself? I have to get ready for work but I’ll leave you with my “Slow Start” song..today is another day, another chance to be good to myself.

Fiona Apple - Better Version of Me (Click to hear song)

The nickel dropped
When I was on
My way beyond
The Rubicon
What did I do

Here’s coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me

There’s no time like now to start a goal, right? I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and I’m feeling great about it, unlike what most people told me about turning 30. I feel like I know myself much better than I did, even only 2 years ago. I’m in a good healthy relationship, my family is doing wonderful, I’m aggressively paying off old debts, career keeps getting bettter, I really cannot complain. Even my weight/body issues are “meh”  not great but not terrible either. However it’s really the only area of my life that I’ve always given a half-assed effort.

Although, I should give myself some credit - in late 2006 at the end of an unhealthy relationship something inside of me changed and I got serious about weight loss. I lost aprox. 25-30 lbs in about 3 months and was at the lightest adult weight I had ever been (closing in on 170). I looked great, felt great and had an insane amount of self esteem. That self empowerment probably saved my life and got me out of that bad relationship. Only a month later I met the best man to ever cross paths with me - my boyfriend Jason.

When I met Jason my world turned around. He represented all that was good and fun. He had always been on the thin side when he was young, so weight was never really an issue for him. So he basically led a very sedentary lifestyle and never deprived himself foodwise. I threw my new eating rules out the window when I met Jason and ate like he did - lots of takeout, trying different restaurants all the time, running to the convience store for a chocolate attack at 11pm. It was FUN! I figured this is how skinny girls live - they have great boyfriends and eat whatever they want and enjoy life. Well, I’m still enjoying life, and my great man - but I’m doing so with about 30 lbs more than when I met him. Once again life blessed me with a man who LOVES my curves - so 30 lbs more or 60 lbs more he’d still be very attracted to me.

He’s been nothing but supportive with my few little attempts at dropping some weight since we’ve been living together (since April 2008). But every time that I fall off the wagon so to speak and stop working out for some lame excuse (”think I’m getting a cold”, “that time of the month”, “too tired” etc) I worry what he’ll think of my willpower.  I put the poor man through at least one emotional breakdown a month when I come to the conclusion that “nothing in my wardrobe fits anymore”. To which he always comforts me and reminds me that I acheived success with weight loss in the past, and that I can do it again. Damn I love him.

He’s completely right. I’ve done it already once, I know all the things to do - I know about the proteins and carbs, and workouts. I know it! I just have to do it. That’s the hard part. But this blogging about weight loss is something new, that I’ve never tried before. Maybe this will help? We’ll see. All journeys start with a first step and here’s mine.